The Prison of Illness Part II

I survived my daughter's wedding and lived to return to blogging! As I look back at the last time I posted on my blog, it was March and I was in the thick of preparing my daughter's wedding. For any of you who have been the wedding coordinator for your own child's wedding, you know how consuming it is! Worth every bit of effort and preparation, it was outstanding and gorgeous and now she is on her way to a happy life and settled in her new home.

I return to the subject of 'The Prison of Illness' in order to complete that journey and further explore the depth of change that came with such a malady. While not one person can truly understand the suffering you go through without having experienced it themselves, it is my intent to try to express it in words. I am not much of a complainer, so much so, that my closest friends and family will occasionally ask me if I still have "that problem with your ear." Interesting...I certainly would be shouting it from the rooftops if I were healed! But that is how thoroughly I enjoy my life and stay involved publicly. Upon meeting me you would never know I live with constant, life-draining noise in my head. It does take great effort on my part to stay engaged in this noisy world, however, for me to stop and hide would be a kind of death.

     ...so let me begin this post by going back in order to give you a more vivid picture...

I had the flu in 2002 for the first time in a couple decades, and the congestion never seemed to clear. By February of 2003 I was visiting the doctor regularlyand being treated with antibiotics and steroids. I awoke one morning to find that my left ear felt like it was full of water. I did not realize then that 85% of my hearing had gone, and within six weeks the nightmare of tinnitus would start. I visited two different ear, nose and throat specialists during that time. Neither could offer any suggestion or help. When the tinnitus started, I was frightened and desperate. It shook my whole body and flipped what you know as normal living, into a backwards, convoluted, distorted existence. It was like living in a world where no one could reach you. It took some time for me to learn what "tinnitus" was, and then began the journey to see how I could rid myself of it. Since the traditional doctors had told me to take a pill for the accompanying dizziness, and go home and live with it,  I turned to the Internet and began researching everything I could find on the subject. I really felt sorry for my family....their once strong, active mother and wife had disappeared. I do not think I can describe the utter fear and anxiety that consumes you when day and night you have no peace. Quiet eludes you. You can NEVER turn off the sound. Try turning on your iPod or phone to the most annoying sound and see how long you can stand it. When standing on the tarmac next to a jet engine, you will have some idea of what I heard in my head at the beginning of this journey. The roaring would subside in twenty-four hours and then re-emerge a few days later, and this cycle would repeat over and over. Eventually, the roaring stopped altogether, but until it did, I lived in a panic that this was my life from now on. I panicked because when the roaring came, it overtook my good ear also, making hearing altogether impossible. And all the while I had three or four other sounds living in my head at the same time as well and those... have never stopped.

     ...the noise in my head was one side of the coin...the sensitivity to noise was the other...

Every noise was heightened to a pitch that physically hurt my ears. I could not stand normal household noises, like the telephone, the toilet, the television, the door shutting, etc. I would run to my room and shut the door when the air conditioning came on, and where I live there is extreme heat, so it came on often throughout the day and night. I spent a good deal of my time on the back porch because the house had become my enemy. Outside I seemed to relax a very little bit. I was working at the time and kept going even though each day I was dizzy and unstable, always feeling sick and disoriented. I could no longer hear out of my left ear, so customers would walk up to me to ask a question, and get offended because I did not respond to them. Eventually, my husband told me to quit and come home. He could no longer watch me lay on the couch and suffer after a day's work. Eating out or attending a movie was completely out of the question. Malls were excruciating; groups of people were an impossibility. I barely made it to the grocery store occasionally, or the health food store to get supplies.

There is a scene in the movie "The Count of Monte Cristo" where the main character is sitting in the corner of his prison cell, having just been beaten. He used to carve an encouraging phrase into the rock wall, but after so many years, so many beatings, he is devoid of the capability to encourage himself...to see hope. I sat and wept as I watched that scene. It was a visual picture of how I felt inside. As the days progressed, my health crashed in a cascade of problems. My thyroid tanked, and I had never had that problem before. I was anemic, weak, sickly, looked like "death warmed over", losing at least half my hair. I had to sleep sitting up which caused problems for my neck, which caused dizziness in turn. I could no longer lay down without becoming dizzy and laying down and sitting up immediately was impossible. The tension I held in my body was off the charts, causing me to develop an adrenal problem where too much adrenaline is pumped into my system all day. There was no time for my body to dispel the chemicals that are released at such a time, before the next onslaught of adrenaline comes. Dizzy, unable to sleep at night, I took to walking each day, which was really hard because my equilibrium was way off. Sometimes I walked a couple times a day because the outdoors comforted me, and because it got my blood going in the inner ear which seemed to help. I could not allow myself to feel or express  any emotiont. Extreme happiness or anger could put me in bed for days as my stress and adrenaline levels spiraled out of control. It was like I was walking a tightrope with no right or left, just straight ahead. I fought between the emotion of despair and the emotion of hope. My faith in the Word of God sustained me, and though I was not being delivered miraculously, I had grown enough in faith to understand healing does not always come in the same way.

My family had to adjust as much as I did. They could not wrestle, play, laugh loudly like they normally would, and all the levels of television and stereos were turned to the minimum. They became very aware of the noises of this world through my sensitivity to them. I could not do for them what I normally did nor could I participate in family activites, church, meeting friends for coffee, etc. Days, weeks and months of utter sickness, laying on the couch, covering my ears from extreme noise, waking at night to the noise in my head and staying up until exhaustion put me to sleep. During the day I sat on the   back porch in the sweltering heat for hours. I did not have the strength I used to have, nor could I do anything like I once did. I had always been a multi-tasker, operating in duel careers of Interior Design and leading a worship team at church. Very much a type A personality and always on the go. My life as a career musician and singer came to a halt. I could not stand the sound of music! Imagine the life-change and utter sadness of being forced to retreat from what I had enjoyed for 34 years. It was a black time indeed...but I don't want to leave you there, because change did begin to arise very, VERY slowly. I have tried to verbally create a picture of my experience with this illness so that you may understand the depth of change that alters the bearer of an illness. Often it is the illness that shows no outward signs that is the hardest to bear. In my next post I want to speak about the journey to healing and share the positive side of my journey. 

There IS hope for your situation today. I know it looks dark and every bit of light seems to have eluded you, but that is not where your story ends. It is time to shake off your preconceived ideology about life, and how things should be according to the way you have lived up to this point. We want to believe that we are in control, but we are not always in control. If you believe in God, believe that He sees your challenge and with His wisdom, you will find a new way to walk.

     ...until next time...

Blessings and Shalom,
Sandi

To Keep You Thinking: The Prison of Illness

To Keep You Thinking: The Prison of Illness: "Hopeless Despair".....that was the emotional backdrop to a biofeedback diagnosis I received last week. I thought "Well, that certainly fits...

The Prison of Illness

"Hopeless Despair".....that was the emotional backdrop to a biofeedback diagnosis I received last week. I thought "Well, that certainly fits the last eight and a half years of my life!" I did not start out with that emotion at the beginning of illness, since I am the forever optimist, but I have certainly made my way to that road. Does that shock you? After all, faith-filled Christians are not supposed to make such negative confessions or allow discouraging feelings to be expressed. And I will probably receive many comments trying to straighten out my theology. But reality is quite the different story when dealing with an extended illness that eludes the grasp of total healing just beyond your fingertips.

I visited a young thirteen year old girl on Sunday, whose family has been my friend for thirty-three years. She is in the hospital, as I write, with a low-functioning liver, an emergency surgery last night for a perforated intestine, and no true earthly guarantee that all will turn out well. If I were to enumerate the stories of people who are experiencing physical ailments and challenges, even life-threatening conditions, and that love God and try to serve Him with all their heart, you would be surprised and maybe a bit confused. But, then again, maybe you are one of those and you know exactly what I am talking about.

My story started almost nine years ago with the sudden loss of hearing in my left ear. I am a lifelong musician, singer/songwriter, and worship pastor. When this damage occurred I was in the midst of planning another worship event for my ministry, Riverstones. Six weeks later the nightmare started when one night all the sound in my living room narrowed down to a pinpoint and a loud roaring emerged inside my head. From there the sound, called tinnitus, went on to change until I now experience a high-pitched siren noise, a white noise, and a kind of waterfall simultaneously twenty-four hours a day. I also had an extreme sensitivity to noise at first called hyperacusis, where I could not even stand to hear my own voice. The world, being a very noisy place, become my enemy and I would hide from the saturation of sound all day, while trying to ignore it enough in the silence of the night so I could finally fall asleep. Along with these problems came low thyroid, loss of most of my hair, anemia, over-sensitivity to foods and smells, weakness. I truly felt as though I was living in a prison of illness with unseen walls of limitation; my body becoming my jailer and buffeting me on all sides.

The most interesting part of that time was that most of the people who had gathered around me, musicians, singers, dancers, intercessors, left me one by one because I could not function in leadership and worship conferences any longer. They left for various reasons...because they did not understand how someone of my experience in ministry could have such a thing happen to her. They left because my illness did not fit their theology. They left because I was of no use to them any longer. They left because I did not have any events scheduled that they could take part in. For whatever reasons, they left me alone, suffering, in the noise-induced world I now lived behind the walls of my prison. I could no longer go to restaurants....too hard to hear and too painful as the noise level in my head rose above the noise level in the room. I could not stand malls or large arenas, simple household noises, etc. I was in constant fear that the same damage would happen to my other ear. When I got an ear infection and the congestion that followed, the noise in my head went through the roof! When I was nervous and upset, angry, or even happy and energetic, the noise went wildly extreme. People called me and promised to pray for me until I was healed, but never made good on that commitment. At first, as people who knew me heard of the damage to my body, I was exposed to all sorts of "reasons" why this had happened to me. There were too many to list here, but it seemed each person had it all figured out and all I had to do was a certain formula, a certain prayer, a certain action, etc.

But GOD....He had a journey all picked out for me! It is not a path of suffering that we ever seek, but sometimes it finds us! And what will you do with the day of suffering when it comes to you? Will you run and hide? Will your theology and belief systems get upset and rearranged? Will you despair and give up or will you press in and trust God knows your address? I chose the latter....I chose to not give in to that "hopeless despair" undercurrent in my emotions. And in the choosing of life, I have chosen to see what God wants me to see on this road, to hear what I need to hear and to share with you what I have learned. I went from doctor to doctor until finally I came to the medical truth that nothing could be done for me. Go home and live with it. But my voracious belief that healing is mine would not let me stop the pursuit and so I turned to alternative medicine and in that arena have found a treasure chest. And along with that the quiet, consistent direction and leading of the Holy Spirit to find what He already created in the earth, that would bring me levels of health.

I have been instantly, miraculously healed many times in my life. But this time is different, and my health has been slowly returning to me in levels; like the steps of a staircase. Oh yes, I fought it at first, cried, railed and asked the "why me" questions. But when all the human reasoning was done, I chose to quiet my soul and walk. And, along the way, I have learned a great deal about how important Romans 12:1 is and how we should be careful stewards of, not only our finances, our belongings and our spiritual walk with God, but of our bodies.

I hope you will take this walk with me over the next few weeks as I explore this subject in more depth and share more of my story with you. Revelations tells us we overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. Let me engage in some overcoming by sharing my testimony of insights, progressive healing, new purpose and much more. Until I post again...think about what you will do when the day of suffering comes.

Blessings and Shalom,
Sandi

We Have Lost A Voice

Most of you know by now that we lost David Wilkerson in a tragic car crash yesterday, April 27, 2011. My first reaction was one of intense grief, shock and bewilderment. It all seems too soon; it feels out of order and premature. David was the voice of a generation and never ceased to hold high the standard of the gospel of Jesus Christ. If you have read his book "The Vision" published in 1974, you will see that most of the prophecies noted in that book have come to pass; there are still a couple yet to come. The accuracy of that book is truly amazing, and should encourage the reader to take recent warnings of David as a matter of serious consideration. There is an excerpt in the book where he describes a cataclysmic earthquake that will take place in America, AFTER a devastating earthquake in Japan. This earthquake in America will not occur in any of the more familiarly predicted sites of our nation. Keep your eyes on this one....I believe we will see this come to pass.

Who, in our nation, will take up the mantle of prophet? I have heard David criticised in the past for being "doom and gloom" and too disaster prone. But when these criticisms come from born again, spirit-filled believers in Jesus, I wonder what they think a prophet looks and sounds like? It is the nature of a prophet to speak of the danger coming, the incorrect behavior of the body of Christ, the consequences of sinful or neglectful behavior. Let the prophet BE the prophet. Unfortunately, the 'bless me' gospel that has been preached for the last twenty years has paved the way for intolerance of the true prophet. And still, we find that prosperity, happiness and warm fuzzy feelings are the order of the day in the "seeker friendly" atmosphere of the body of Christ. But Jesus was never "seeker friendly" and He has not changed. It is time to return to the basic tenets of the Word; the teachings of the Epistles in their purity and commitment. We are called to take up our cross and follow Jesus. To lay down our lives, not exalt our lives.

David's influence on my life was of such depth I still recall the times I heard him speak, the intensity of the presence of the Lord brooding over the auditorium, the lasting message. His impact will continue on through the generations. His was a life well-lived. Reinhard Bonke put it all into a better perspective when he said that the death of a saint of God is not an accident. Rather, it is a planned homegoing and because of that "It is well with my soul." Thank you Reinhard for that observation; it brought peace to my heart. I do find it very interesting that God took David from Texas soil. He and Keith Green and Leonard Ravenhill, some of the most significant and powerful prophetic voices of our times, were all living and ministering from Lindale, Texas at one time. Keith went home first, then Leonard, and now David. What a time of reunion and joy they must be having in heaven tonight!

I do not know who could possibly take the place of David. Each of us carry unique administration of anointing. But I trust the Father to lead us through the treacherous days ahead. In the words of David's last blog "...one day it will all make sense. You will see it was all pat of my plan. It was no accidient. It was no failure on your part....Hold fast to your faith. Stand fast in his Word. There is no other hope in this world." Amen Brother David!!